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(curtain up, lights on. The audience sees a living room set. A family: three daughters, a son, a mother, and a father watch the news. The daughters on a couch, the mother and father sit in a loveseat and the son stands next to the sofa. We can see that the family practices the Sikh religion, as the son and father both wear colorful turbans and have beards)
Bap: (standing up and yelling to the TV) What news is this? Back in my day, they had good things in the news, along with the bad! Where’re the parades, the freakish babies defying all odds, the waiter with a million-dollar tip?
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Dad, people would rather go around feeling sorry for themselves than seeing other people being happy.
Bap: (spoken) Ah, the world’s gone to the dogs!
Gurbaksh: (deadpanned, turning off the TV with the remote) Yep.
Bap: (spoken) Remember the old days when people would just walk around singing songs and shaking hands with strangers?
Gurbaksh: (still deadpanned, chin in hands, elbows on knees) Nope.
Bap: (grabbing his chubby wife around the waist) We would all get together and sing bhangra songs like this:
(sung) Jind mahi bajre diyan!
Nirbhau, Simran, and Kulbir: (sung, jubilant) Aha!
Bap: Jind mahi bajre diyan kaliyan
Ki mela vekhan aiyan
Nirbhau, Simran, and Kulbir: Aha!
Bap: Ki mela vekhan aiyan jattiyan
Ki hath vich sheesha, hoi
Ma: (sung) Aha!
Bap: Hath vich sheesha savaran pattiyan
Ve ek pal behi jana
Nirbhau, Simran, and Kulbir: Balle!
Ma: Ek pal behi jana mere kol
Ve tere mithrde ni, hoi!
Nirbhau, Simran, and Kulbir: Oye!
Ma and Bap: (together) Ve tere mithrde ni lagde bol, hoi!
(the whole family laughs, except for Gurbaksh. He walks stage-left and picks up his coat from the coat-wrack)
Gurbaksh: (heading towards the door to the left of the set) I gotta go pick up Lila to go to work. See you all later.
Ma: (worried) Gurbaksh, do you have your kanga?
Gurbaksh: (holding up a comb, voice sarcastically dramatic) Yes, o mother.
Ma: Kara?
(Gurbaksh tinkles around the bracelet on his wrist)
Ma: Kirpan?
Gurbaksh: (rolling his eyes) Ma, it’s a little sword tied to my belt-loop, I think it’s pretty secure.
Ma: Did you change your underwear? (she walks to him and looks in the inside of the back of his pants. Simran, Nirbhau, and Kulbir giggle)
Gurbaksh: (embarrassed) Ma…
(Ma walks back to the couch and sits down)
Ma: I’m only checking. Have a good day, Guru.
Gurbaksh: How can I, I’m almost twenty-five and I still live with my parents?
Bap: (indignantly angry and waving an arm at Gurbaksh) Would you rather go live on the streets? Go to work! Go, go, go!
Gurbaksh: (quickly) Goodbye, Bap. Ma, Nirbhau, Simran, Kulbir. Toodles and ta-ta!
(he sticks his thumb to his nose and wiggles around his fingers, blowing a raspberry and going out the door. Lights off, cue next scene.)
(Curtain up. The audience sees a typical kitchen set of a stove, a sink, and numerous other appliances and furnishings photo-copied on the background. The teenaged redhead, Lila Fitzsimmons, is leaning over the kitchen island, stirring a spoon in a bowl of cereal)
Lila: Bleh… I hate Bran O’s!
(we hear three knocks at the door)
Lila: (tiredly, walking ten paces over to the door conveniently at the back of the stage) Coming!
(she opens the door to see Gurbaksh is standing in the doorway with a heavy down coat on. She cries out in surprise.)
Lila: (nervously, poking Gurbaksh’s jacket to watch it pucker and mold back into shape) Well, howdy, neighbor--uh, not that we’re neighbors, it’s just a saying. I’m sure you knew that, though. …What’s up, why are you here so early? I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet.
Gurbaksh: (sighs exasperatedly, steps through the door) I’m here because we have double-duty today. Y’know… (does jazz-hands) “Equinox Extravaganzaaaaa”! (lowering hands) First day of summer and everybody gets free stuff from our slave-labor, except for us. Don’t that sound fun? It’s danged freezing outside and barely light yet and he’s having us work our butts off from dawn until dusk, and then some. Quid pro quo, we gotta get moving! (pointing to the bathroom hallway) Move it, Tinkerbelle!
Lila: (sulking, turns away from Gurbaksh with arms folded in front) Fine, Sunshine, don’t get your panties in a twist… Go turn your car around, you always back into my driveway the wrong way, my dad gets totally TO‘d when you tear up the yard. Capisce?
Gurbaksh: (imitating Peter Lorre) Yeeeees, Master! (hobbles out the door like the hunchbacked Igor, closing the door behind him)
Lila: (sighs and turns to the audience, wringing her hands) Heh… Another day, another dolor. (she places her left are over eyes in mock drama. Slowly, she lowers her arm with a thoughtful look on her face) It’s like I’m annoying him or something… (whining) What’ve I ever done to annoy him, though? (walks out to the middle of the stage, sighs) Oh, Gary…
(orchestra accordion begins playing a slow droning tune)
Lila: (sung)
When I was just a kid
I didn’t have a clue
What loving someone did
That is, ‘til I met you
(spins around to left stage, clasping her hands in front of her as she stares up to the heavens)
Gubra… Gurba… Gary!
A name I long to shout over the hills, through the halls, past the sizzling cheese!
Ohhhh, Gary, I must be wary
Of what the heart says to me, though it sings the name that can merely please
(she stays in the same position, but turns to stage right)
Gurba… Gerboo… Gary!
Such a man I know can only show grand surprises and treasures through his love
The type o’ guy I can marry (reaches for the sky with one hand)
But, oh… Oh… (folds her hands and bows her head in prayer)
Sweet Lord in Heaven, give me a blessed sign from above
Could this be love?
Could it?
Could it?
I mean…
(she walks left ten paces to the left as she sings:)
The way he says “hi!” send chills down my spine
In all the proper ways
Oh, how long must I pine until he is mine?
I really cannot say
(lifting both arms to the sky, turning to the audience)
Gurba… Goobi… Gary!
Such a sweet name that I’d love to claim as “Mrs. Gary… Bahamas…”
To win your heart, I won’t tarry
Or my love for you will end like a tragic Shakespearian drama (she feigns stabbing herself)
(she closes her eyes as she smiles)
‘Cause when I was a kid…
I didn’t have a clue
What loving you undid
In my heart, ‘til I met you
(jumps to sit on kitchen island, knocks over microwave)
Gary… Gary… Gary…
Your face makes me smile, I’ll wait just a while until I can say how I feel
With all the hope I can carry
I will love you still, though you don’t know, my feelings will always be… real
(sigh, spoken) Garbage…
(Gurbaksh whips open the door again, keys in hand)
Gurbaksh: (lumbers over to Lila and grabs her by the sleeve, dragging her out the door) Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up! I only have half a tank of gas and my car ain’t gonna wait much longer!
Lila: (pulling against him) But I haven’t brushed my teeth yet!
Gurbaksh: Brush your teeth in Heaven after Mr. Pitcairn kills us for being late!
Lila: (sniffs his shirt) …Did you bathe this year?
Gurbaksh: Oh, that’s low, Miss Gingivitis! (shoves her through door, closes door, curtain closes, cue next scene)
(Lights on. Lila and Gurbaksh are sitting in the Pizza Pizzazz, a pizza joint that they both work at. Lila at a table and Gurbaksh in a chair behind the cash register, looking very bored while Lila talks on her phone)
Gurbaksh: Lila, I thought you were the cashier! What am I doing here?
Lila: We take turns, Paul just told me.
Gurbaksh: (sounding annoyed, rolling up a napkin) Mr. Pitcairn also told you not to call him Paul. And get off your cell, he’s gonna be here in a few minutes. (he throws the napkin ball at Lila’s head, and it misses her completely)
Lila: (makes mocking noises) I’m on the phone, shush! (talks loudly on her phone) Yeah… No way! No way! What a witch!
(reception phone rings, Gurbaksh picks it up)
Gurbaksh: Yellow, you’ve reached Pizza Pizzazz, would you like to place an order?
Lila: I’m telling you, Carrie, I’m THIS close to the border!
Gurbaksh: (writing down the order and looking annoyed at Lila) That’s a large pepperoni with… all the works?
Lila: (gets up out of booth, walks over to the kitchen door, still on the phone) Mm, no, I’d have to turn him down, even with his perks.
Gurbaksh: Right away… (puts down phone, lowers his head in dejection)
Lila: Thanks… (shuts her cell phone, blows air from her lips)
Both: (sigh) That’s pizza with pizzazz!
Lila: (turning to audience) When you’re down on your luck--
Gurbaksh: (looking up) Feel like the backside of a duck.
Both: (look at each other) And you want to wash your face with bleach
Gurbaksh: (climbs up to stand on the desk) Think of all the cool things
Lila: (makes flapping motions with her arms) You could do with whole wings
Gurbaksh: (turns his hands down, elbows to his sides) But yours are clipped and hope’s out of reach (reaches out to the sky, then jumps from desk next to Lila)
Both: Be glad you ain’t workin’ here!
(they begin to tango together)
Pizza… (stomp, stomp), with Pizzazz!
It’ll drive you straight down a wall
Pizza… (stomp, stomp) with Pizzazz!
You’re at everyone’s beck and call
Gurbaksh: “Get here in half an hour, or I’m not paying!” (he dips Lila)
Lila: “I want change in Dutch pennies, you know what I’m saying!” (she swerves up, her ponytail hitting him in the face when she reaches his eyelevel again. They stop dancing.)
Gurbaksh: “Gimme three-fifths sausage and four-fifths ham!”
Lila: (makes “call me” sign with her hand) These phone bills leave my house cold as a clam…
(Gurbaksh looks at her like “what?!”. She shrugs.)
Both: That’s pizza with pizzazz!
Gurbaksh: (sits down, rests his chin on a fist, an elbow on his knee) When you feel really down--
Lila: (does the same) And you just wanna drown
Both: (both grasp at the floor like it were dry dirt) But the sea is dry and your boat’s adrift (hold hands up and shrug shoulders)
Lila: (trails imaginary tears down her face with index fingers) Remember those who suffer
Gurbaksh: From sickness and hunger (grips his stomach)
Lila: And how they’re sad and bereft… (makes fists and covers her eyes with them)
Both: (they both stand up quickly facing their palms forward) At least they don’t have our job!
(they begin to tango)
Pizza… (stomp, stomp) with Pizzazz!
It’ll drive you straight down a wall
Pizza… (stomp, stomp) with Pizzazz!
You’re at everyone’s beck and call
Lila: “Hey, stupid, don’t you know how to count change?”
Gurbaksh: “Can’t you speak-a di English, you sound so strange!”
Lila: “Maybe if I talk slower, you will understand.” (is dipped again, then swings back. This time her ponytail hits her.)
Gurbaksh: “Take this back, I don’t care if you’ve got two full hands!” (pushes away Lila)
Both: That’s pizza-- (They tapdance)
Both: With pizzazz. Pizza-- (tapdancing)
Both: With pizzazz!
Hey, don’t feel so blue (raises hands in surrendering motion)
We got worse problems than you
So just shut up, (zips their lips) and eat that whole slice
You want razzamatazz
Go to “Jim’s Bar and Jazz” (Gurbaksh points out the door)
If you come here, you’d best treat us nice! (both poke chest with thumb for “us”)
Pizza… (tap-dancing) with Pizzazz!
It’ll drive you straight up the wall
Pizza (tapdancing) with Pizzazz!
You’re at everyone’s beck and call
Pizza, pizza, pizza, (both fall on one knee, arms extended) PIZZA!
With frickin’ (jazz hands) Pizzaaaaazz!
(they stop singing to look at each other)
Gurbaksh: Here’s to flour in your eye!
Lila: Here, here. …Wanna steal some sodas from the cooler?
Gurbaksh: (lightheartedly chiding, walking through the door behind the cash register) Get back to work, Fitzsimmons. I got a pizza to deliver…
Lila: Right away… (she pauses, unsure what his last name is.) You. (he closes the door. Lila lets out a frustrated yell, lights off, next scene)
(Lights on, Gurbaksh opens the door to the side of the living room set from the first scene, he sees what the audience sees: a young man and an older couple are sitting on the loveseat and Mr. and Mrs. Bahadur are sitting on the sofa, quite serious. They all hold cups of tea.)
Gurbaksh: (spoken, jokingly) What’s with the tea and sad faces? Is it Act Like British Stuffed-Shirts Day? (worriedly) Did… did Grandma die? Oh, wait, then why are…
Ma: (smiling) Guru, Mr. and Mrs. Nayyar are here from London. We are arranging their son, Manjot, to be married to Kulbir. Would you be so kind and leave the room?
(Kulbir, Nirbhau, and Simran burst through the same door that Gurbaksh came from)
Kulbir: (holding her arms out) Stop the presses! (turning to Bap) You’re going to marry me to him? I’m in college, I have no time for marriage right now! I am trying to earn a PhD in astro—
Bap: (interrupting, standing up from his seat) Kulbir, we are giving you time to get to know Manjot. It will be months until the wedding preparations are done. We are only going to marry you two when you are comfortable with each other. You can still go to college until then, can’t you? Isn’t the year almost over?
Kulbir: (gritting her teeth) I have many… many more years before I can—Augh! Dad, look, why can’t Gurbaksh over here get married first? He already has a job.
Gurbaksh: (indignant) Hey!
Ma: That is precisely why he won’t marry before you. He is already supporting the family. What are you doing? Sucking up our life savings.
Kulbir: Ah, send me away and there’ll be one less mouth to feed. I see…
Bap: That is not what your mother meant.
Kulbir: What did she mean, then?
Ma: (frustrated, gesturing to the three people on the sofa) Kulbir… You’re being very rude to our guests. At least introduce yourself to the Nayyars.
(Kulbir sighs and turns to her potential fiancé. He is a nervous man, wearing a blue suit)
Kulbir: (icily) Hello. My name is Kulbir. I am a tumor growing on my family’s name and they wish to remove me from it. What do you have to say to me?
(he whimpers, she raises her pitch)
Kulbir: Well? Don’t pee your pants, I’m not going to hurt you… yet.
Manjot: I… (his voice squeaks) work in pharmaceuticals. (he clears his throat) I will pay for your classes and drive you to university each day. You don’t have to like me, but, I would like it very much if you tried. I find I’m fond of you already. You are very brave.
Kulbir: (after a long pause) Really? (beat) I’ll, uh, be living in London, right? Which side?
Manjot: West Side. Mayfair.
Kulbir: (turning to her parents) I really can’t get out of this, can I?
Gurbaksh: (shaking his head) Not with a shovel or pick-axe, cupcake.
Ma: (setting her tea on the coffee table) Look, Gurbaksh, Nirbhau, Simran… Please go to your rooms. Please. This is a private matter, leave us alone.
Nirbhau: Mama, when it’s my turn, since I’m third-youngest, please tell me before you send them over that you are arranging something.
Gurbaksh: Yeah!
Simran: Us, too.
Bap: (yelling) Fine, we will tell you all! It was foolish of us to not say anything, now leave!
(Simran, Gurbaksh, and Simran leave)
Ma: (sipping her tea) Well, that was quite good! (The lights shut off. Next scene.)
(lights on, new scene. Gurbaksh and Jaswinder are sitting on the floor of the dour-looking Bedi living room, which has royal purple walls and dark wood furnishings. Jaswinder is wrapping a present for Kulbir’s wedding. Gurbaksh and Jaswinder are quiet for a moment until she turns suddenly to him, touching his arm lightly)
Jaswinder: (spoken) Guri, can you help me tie the ribbon on this box?
Gurbaksh: (spoken, enthusiastic) Sure thang, chicken wang! (clears throat) …Sorry. Yes.
(she hands him a ridiculously lacey box and a synthetic silk ribbon. He takes the box, wraps the ribbon around the bottom and gathers the ends at the top near the lid)
Jaswinder: (spoken while he is working) You know, I’ve been thinking lately about us.
Gurbaksh: (spoken) You have, huh? …Why?
Jaswinder: (spoken) No reason… It’s just not proper for a younger sister to marry before her older brother, right?
Gurbaksh: (spoken as he rolls his eyes, sarcastic) Well, jee, Mom, I don’t know… (tries to tie bow and it spins around when loops the tongues) Is it?
Jaswinder: (spoken) Yeah, if you think about it. I mean, this is your baby sister, y’know? A baby.
Gurbaksh: (spoken) She’s a year younger than you. Plus, this isn’t-- (finger quotes) --“The old country!” Things are different here and in this century, even back in India. I’m not gonna drop dead or curse my family, just because I didn’t marry before her… (pauses to lick fingers)
Jaswinder: (spoken) I’m just saying…
(Jaswinder stands up, bright tune begins playing)
Jaswinder: (singing) What if we were man and wife? (joins hands)
Today, and forever
We’d walk ‘round the good book (walks in a circle, still singing)
Chanting our vows
As Kulbir will now
Joining our lives with a look (raises hands up)
Having each other all our lives (spins around nine times and stops on the tenth, one arm to the sky, the other to the ground. She bounces her right hip to the beat)
(she turns to Gurbaksh, extending her arms to him)
What if we were man and wife? (taps her head to the beat)
I’d make you fat with naan (turns away from him, holding out a hand to the right)
Then make you wash the dishes (holds out right hand, bobbing her head in the opposite direction)
(shadowboxes) We’ll have our first fight
(hug herself) But then set it all right
(folds hands) Granting each other wishes
In our home, such things’ll be rife
Let’s tie the knot
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
(bounces to the left, making shooing motions with her hands, does the same to the right, then stops when she claps her hands, center stage)
Six kids would be fair
(Gurbaksh gives a gasp)
Though… so would three
And in our old age
At thirty-six
We’ll be all we’d ever want to see
I’d be Mrs. Bahadur
And you Mr. Bedi
Our wedding bells will ring so pure
In our hearts, when you are ready
Let’s tie the knot
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
(bounces to the left, making shooing motions with her hands, does the same to the right, then stops when she claps her hands, center stage)
What if we were man and wife? (joins hands)
Today, and forever
We’d walk ‘round the good book (walks in a circle, still singing)
Chanting our vows
As Kulbir will now
Joining our lives with a look (raises hands up)
(spins around nine times, stopping on the tenth, one arm to the sky, the other to the ground. Bounces her right hip to the beat, then stops to face the audience)
What if we were man and wife? (silently claps hands, closes eyes)
Living each day for each day (opens eye to raise one finger on each hands for each “day”)
We’d walk through time (walks four paces to front stage)
Both good and bad (makes cutting motion across her throat)
Loving like mad (clasps hands)
With each hour’s chime
Having each other all our lives (raises hands to Heaven)
The words that were never said
Since the days they cried “Hail Caesar!”
Such poetry could never come to haunt
My days, if we don’t tie this knot (covers face with hands, lowers them quickly)
(she turns around, her hands still on her face, finally, after four rotations, she stops lower her hands to her sides, staring at the audience)
What if we were married now?
What would our future hold?
An uncertain thought, to say
We’d walk on hot coals (walks forward with arms held out)
Troubles biting our soles (jumps from one foot to the other)
With laughter to heal, I pray (stays on one foot, folds her hands)
We’d never have to bow (firmly puts down raised foot)
I’m tired of what ifs and why nots (leans back with one hand over her eyes as she still sings)
Please don’t keep me waiting
Tell me if you’ll tie the knot
If not, my breath’s still baiting (stands up straight, sighs)
(bounces to the left, making shooing motions with her hands, does the same to the right, then stops when she claps her hands, center stage)
Let’s tie the knot
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
(spins around until she reaches the back of the stage, sits down next to Gurbaksh)
Oh, let’s tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
Tie the knot
Tie the knot forever
Forever… (clasps hands, looks out into space, then snaps out of it to look at Gurbaksh)
(spoken, out of breath) Whattaya say?
Gurbaksh: (spoken, still trying to tie the bow) Jassy, I can’t tie the knot. (Jaswinder slaps him and takes the box, walking off left stage) What, what was that for? (lights dim, next scene)
(Gurbaksh is walking down the street at night, thinking pensively)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Jaswinder-jaan… Why do I feel so differently about her tonight? I can’t stop thinking about her! Huh… It’s odd…
(song starts)
What is this nose that protrudes so cutely? (pokes his own nose, in thought)
What are these eyes, colored like garden mud?
What is it that reddens my sight (puts his hands on his head, shakes head)
Through the day and the night (gently beats forehead with heels of a hand)
Boiling in my blood? (stops walking to make tight fists)
It is not beauty (shakes finger)
It is not grace (makes waving motion with a hand)
It is perfection (beats both hands on heart)
Jah-ah-suh-vinder… (continues walking)
Who is this shy-eyed demon
Who traps my gaze with her silly smile? (grins and sticks his index fingers on his cheeks)
Who smiles with thin lips
Her hands on small hips (puts his hands on his hips)
And arms that go down for a mile?
Her crooked teeth
(taps foot twice) Her rugged feet
Make known her name:
Jah-ah-suh-vinder!
(dances happily down the street, singing: )
Jaswinder, Jaswinder, the bane of my mind
A face that’s an enigma, on ears she’s not kind
A face that’s an enigma, (stops dancing, puts hands over his ears) on ears she’s not kind!
Ah-ahhhhh, ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhh, ah, ah, ah
Jah-ah-suh-vin-der!
Why is her face engraved in my thoughts?
Why does her voice lull (grabs his heart), leaving me in pain?
Why does my heart beat her name,
And her laugh set it aflame,
(turning around) Reeling around in my brain?
Such mousy hair (pretends to flip his hair)
(claps hands twice) Such blemished skin
Such beauty is your own,
Jah-ah-suh-vinder! (picks up an umbrella from the sidewalk, and dances with it)
(opens and twirls umbrella behind him) Jaswinder, Jaswinder, my sweet unloved love
You enigma, you nymph, my sweet fawning dove (pretends blow something from his hands)
You enigma, you nymph, my sweet fawning dove
Why is it your face can drive my thoughts wild? (swings umbrella around, singing: )
Ah-ahhhhh, ahhhhhhh, ahhhhhh, ah, ah, ah (stops turning, closes umbrella and uses it as a cane)
I love (walks forward two steps stops)
I think (walks three steps and stops)
Jah-ah-suh-vinder… (runs off with a whoop)
(curtain closes)
(curtains up, Gurbaksh, Ma, and Bap are standing in the kitchen around the sink, having coffee)
Bap: (spoken) Roopjot, I think you’ve made your best cup of coffee today.
Ma: (spoken, embarrassed) Oh, do go on, husband! I did not make it any differently.
Gurbaksh: Yeah, maybe the Mrs. Café is broken. (Ma throws her coffee in the sink and sits at the table in a huff.) Ooh. (putting his cup on the counter) Bap…
Bap: (spoken) Apologize to your mother. You insulted her coffee.
Gurbaksh: (spoken, waving his hands in the air) Bap, I’ve been thinking about marriage.
Bap: (raising his hands up) Ho-ho, son! Look, I can’t have two weddings at once. I only have so much money, no less anymore to arrange a marriage this soon. Or have you found someone?
Gurbaksh: (spoken) No, not right now! I have found somebody, but I don’t think you like her.
Ma: (spoken) Oh, don’t tell me it’s that Lila girl! A Christian, of all people!
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Bleh, no, she’s seventeen… And annoying. But, Bap, I wanna marry Jaswinder Bedi. (there is a small silence) Don’t yell.
Bap: (spoken) She’s the daughter of an employee, what do you want with her?
Gurbaksh: (spoken) I love her. A lot.
Bap: (spoken) But, she’s my employee!
Gurbaksh: (spoken) It’s not like you’re Bill Gates and she’s the sandwich-girl.
Bap: (spoken) Good point. No.
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Augh! Dad! You were born in Princeton, not Patiala. Caste shouldn’t matter anymore! The Granth even says that there are no castes. What’s your problem?
Bap: (spoken) What’s yours? Why are you shooting down everything we believe in as Sikhs?
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Kulbir should have the right to not marry yet, and I should have the choice to marry who I want.
Bap: (spoken, pointing off-stage to the left) I still have the power to send you to your room!
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Jeez, I’m 25, not 5.
Bap: (spoken) Sure aren’t acting like it. Shoo, shoo, shoo! (Gurbaksh walks off-stage, a door is heard slamming) And you still owe your mother an apology!
Ma: (spoken, exasperated) What should we do? Is Guru going against the scripture? What should we do, Harjit?
Bap: (spoken) We should pray, right?
Ma: (spoken, wiping her eyes) I suppose so… (Bap sits next to Ma at the table and they both bow their heads in prayer)
Both: (sung) Waheguru
Mahaguru
Hear our solemn prayer
Guide our daughter with mercy and care
Onkar aman aman aman onkar…
Ma: We once were two children
Much like our Kulbir
You taught us to love
And be without fear
Bap: Help our Kulika in her dear life
Ma: Help her to be a dutiful wife
Bap: (spoken) Much like mine… (squeezes Roopjot’s hand)
Ma: (sung) “I'm exhausted having searched his words;
He never speaks unkind.”
Like a diligent shepherd with his herds
You show such love to mankind
Both: (sung) Waheguru
Mahaguru
We sing our praises still
Help her know what purity fulfills
Onkar aman aman aman onkar…
Bap: As we once were joined
Join our daughter with your grace
Help her to know her husband’s guard
And help him to know his place
Ma: Help him to know only eyes for her
Bap: Help Manjot’s love not deter
Ma: As Harjit still stands true… (traces her finger along his beard)
Bap: “She knows not foul language,
The pure embodiment of the infinite”
From all sins, you can assuage
Let her relish each life’s minute
Ma: “He lets my weaknesses go unrecorded.”
Bap: “Not one virtue does she leave unrewarded.”
Both: Waheguru
Mahaguru
Guide her heart toward love
O purest father above
Onkar aman aman aman onkar…
(Lights dim)
(Light on, a party is celebrating Kulbir’s wedding, after the event has taken place. In a bright-decorated events hall, Jaswinder and Gurbaksh are sitting at a table in the left of the stage, among four other tables. Jaswinder sits on the women‘s side of the room (unmarried people are separated), and Gurbaksh faces the men‘s. Gurbaksh is picking at a white garland of flowers that is strewn over the table.)
Jaswinder: (spoken, tapping his shoulder) I’m gonna get some punch, you want anything?
Gurbaksh: (has his face buried in his arms, which are resting on the table. He raises his head) Hm? …Oh, no. I‘m good. (plops his head down again. Jaswinder goes off to stage left. A drumbeat begins, the guests all dance in circles.)
Women: (sung as they hold one hand up and twist it, facing a palm to the ground, their bodies turned the right) Ch-chakka, ch-chakka, ch-chakka-tam
(then to the left) Madhu, madhu, madhu ram!
Dance with love, (they slide to the right) dance with joy (then to the left)
And you be bless’d with a baby boy! (they all cradle her arms back and forth)
Gurbaksh: (sung boredly, sitting with his elbows on the table) I’m so happy, I could die…
(the women do a conga line)
Just don’t go and ask me why…
(the women kick away the men who try to dance near them, still in a line)
Ho-hum, I’m tired of “fun”
(the women extend their arms to the men, then back away, laughing)
Dancing just isn’t my thing
I don’t want fun piled on a bun
I want something new, please! (He stands up, hits the table, and everyone freezes to look at him)
(spoken) Dance, people, dance! I’m, uh-- Um… (He dances awkwardly. Everyone resumes their celebrating.)
I wanna fly off a building roof (holds out his arms)
With a chord ‘round my ankles
Poke a lion with a stick (fork-fights the chair next to him)
In a zoo, not one that’s free (…it has someone in it, they glare at him)
With no-one around
(the person stands up and raises an eyebrow) And not get killed by it
Hopefully (the person moves to another table. Gurbaksh sits back down and plays with his food.)
Ugh… What a drag!
(the guests dance around his specific table, completely surrounding Gurbaksh, then they flower out to separate by gender on opposite sides of the room)
Men: (holding up their arms and waving their hands) Oyek, oyek, oyek chan
Weddings are fun for everyone!
Everybody dances here
Everybody toast and cheer
Gurbaksh: (laces his fingers and worms around his arms) Nanny, nanny, nanny a-boo
(holds a finger to his lips) Hush-hush is what you ought to do!
Normality grates on my nerves
I’m getting annoyed with all this verve (put his head back against the chair)
(raises his hands to the sky) Where’s adventure? Adrenaline?
Like baking thin-crust in a deep-dish pan (thumbs down)
My life’s a waste, I need something new
Like raiding a party, not roaches, too (rubs his temples)
(he sees Kulbir and Manjot snuggling at their table)
(affects a high-pitched voice) “Oh, Manjot, I love you so”
(normal) When will love give me a go?
(sees Jaswinder approach his table with the punch) Jassy’s great
But, is she fate?
(she sits next to him) I’m getting kinda bored
Oi… (thuds his head on the table) What a drag!
(he stands and walks from the table, walking between the gender groups as they dance on their respective sides)
Kulbir: (spoken, laughing loudly) Manjot, you’re the best! (she kisses him)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Ew…
Old Lady: (sliding up to Gurbaksh, taking his hands) Gurbaksh, Gurbaksh dance with me
Cut it with your ole granny!
(his grandma pulls him back to the group, dancing in an unhip way, while Gurbaksh stands there)
Gurbaksh: (sigh, spoken) What… a… (Jaswinder pulls him back to the table) drag!
(lights dim, new scene)
(Curtain up. Jaswinder and Gurbaksh are sitting in the Bahadur’s living room, watching the television. Gurbaksh is sitting in the chair, Jaswinder is sitting on the couch. Both do not say anything, which makes Jaswinder squirm in discomfort.)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) What’s eating you, Gilbert? Got an itch?
Jaswinder: (spoken) No, no, I’ve just been thinking--
Gurbaksh: (interrupting) About us again?
Jaswinder: (spoken) Actually, yeah, that exactly.
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Why, I thought we were square and circular with each other?
Jaswinder: (spoken) I am with you, but… are you with me?
Gurbaksh: (leaning forward) How do you mean?
Jaswinder: (spoken) …Do you love me? At all? Even a smidgen?
Gurbaksh: (spoken reassuringly) Of course I do. You’re like a fourth sister to me.
Jaswinder: (spoken, taken aback) That’s it? A sister? Nothing more? (starting to tear up) Well, what am I to you, some dowdy little thing you just... tail so your parents don’t make you jump the broom with somebody you don’t even know?
Gurbaksh: (spoken, defensive) No, that’s not it!
Jaswinder: (spoken, actually crying) Then what is? What is it, Gurbaksh? Tell me, now, or I’m leaving this house right now and I’m not gonna turn back or think twice about it…
Gurbaksh: (spoken softly) Please, don‘t cry… (she wails) Things are just so stupid right now. I’ve been rethinking a lot of things, like what if I should have taken my dad’s offer at the sweets shop, what are my relationships to me--things like that. My friends aren’t too friendly, my parent keep pushing me to marry, and I’m not sure I know you enough to love you like I want.
(Jaswinder looks up, stands up, and walks to the window. A sad violin plays.)
Jaswinder: (sung despondently) You say the sun has set on our love
But I say the moon takes his place
This hopeless attraction was begun
When my dupatta brushed your face
(she smiles with the memory, stroking her dupatta)
Such infatuation drove me mad
As wine drives a sinner to drink
(she turns to him, pointing to him)
I devoted myself to your love
Like a rusted chain, you’ve snapped our link
(the tempo picks up, and the violin crescendos with a tom-tom‘s roll. She rushes to the chair, clutching the arm as if it were Gurbaksh‘s)
O how hard is the bark of the tree called man!
Ever hardening with this malaise called “love”
(she beats her chest to the tom-tom’s beat)
He cuts himself down with his ax of demands
(she swings her arms at him, and he ducks her blow)
Each new cut pouring bitter sap into the earth (she trickles her fingers down the air)
Woman is the seedling (puts her hands over her face, spreads her fingers like a blooming flower)
That shall regrow this tree of man
(she twists from him, turning off the TV)
Come, end your endless reeling
(she reaches out to him, but he doesn’t take her hand. She turns from him and stares at the floor)
My reverence, my worship failed
To reach your high, clouded eyes
(she raises her eyes to the sky, circling her face with her hand, then turns to him again)
When shall this bitter storm pass
And bracket our shattered link’s ties?
(she laces her hands together, shaking her head at him.)
You say my faith turned to obsession
(she falls to his feet, laying her hands at his toes)
But I say obsession turned to faith
(she folds her hands to him, pointing them at his form)
Your selfish doubt blinds your poor sight
(she takes the corner of her dupatta and covers her eyes, then she falls to the floor as she sings:)
In the shadow of dying love’s wraith
(her head flies up and she sits up to clap in Gurbaksh’s face, making him flinch. She laughs glibly.)
O how hard is the bark of the tree called man!
(she points to him with a hand, no longer crying)
Ever hardening with this malaise called “love”
He cuts himself down with his ax of demands
(she swings, hitting the chair when he ducks)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Jaan ji--
Jaswinder: (snippily) I’m just a sister, right? Don’t call me that, “bha“. Sat sri akal, bha ji.
(she sits down again in front of him, staring at his shocked face)
(sung) He cuts himself down with his ax of self-demands
(she raises her arms and he flinches, but she doesn’t swing)
Each new cut pouring bitter sap into the earth (she lays on the floor)
Woman is the seedling (she sits up quickly)
(raising her arms, fingers spread apart) That shall regrow this tree of man
Come, end your endless reeling
(beckons him, trying to smile again he smiles at her)
Gurbaksh: (standing up, taking her hands)
You say fear guides me from your arms
(he opens his arms to her)
But, oh, it is fear and such strange love!
(she stands up)
Help me to replant our garden
With your gentle hand, my dove
(she leads him back to the couch, where they sit on separate cushions)
Guide me to faith, and help me grow
Help this withering rose to bloom (he makes a pleading gesture to her)
I’ll lay down this ax and learn to know
That for love there’ll always be room (he holds out his hands to her)
Jaswinder: The flower that dies in the fume
Of adversity’s fiery hate
Regrows with golden petals
In a love that can never sate
Woman is the seedling
That ends man’s endless reeling
(they hug and Gurbaksh hands her a tissue from the table to wipe her eyes)
Jaswinder: (sniffs) Thank you, bhai jaan.
Gurbaksh: No problem, behn jaan. …Does this mean we’re still dating?
Jaswinder: As long as you love me.
Gurbaksh: It’s a promise.
(they fist pump, and laugh. There is a pause. Jaswinder sighs, wiping her eyes with her thumb)
Jaswinder: (spoken) Well, I’d best be going home. Don’t want Dad thinking I’m doing anything immoral over here. (she winks at him)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Heh, yeah… That’d be… bad.
Jaswinder: (spoken) Um… Bye… (she blows him a kiss and he “catches” it, pressing his hand to his cheek. Jaswinder laughs, opening the door to the set, then walks out the door to stage right. She waves through the window at Gurbaksh before she walks off to the left, out of sight)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Hm! (he smiles, pressing his hand to his face again) Hm…
(a slow version of “J-A-S-Winder” begins)
(sung)
What is this face that charms me so soundly?
What are these eyes that stare so lovingly? (he clutches his heart, leaning against the recliner)
What is it that softens my sight
Through the day and the night
Singing softly to me
She is not ugly (he taps his chin)
She is not clumsy (he trips on the chair as he tries to walk to the right)
She is perfection
Jah-ah-suh-vinder… (he falls back into the chair)
Jaswinder, my Jas, the tamer of my mind
A face that’s an enigma, on hearts she’s so kind
Ja-ah-suh-vin-der…
Who is this smiling, shy-eyed beauty?
Who is this Pygmalion statue
That belongs in the Louvre (he makes a thoughtful pose, as if observing a piece of art)
Such a true-hearted lover
The Heer to my Ranjha (he mimes shooting an arrow)
The Helen to my Paris (he pretends to be hit by the arrow)
The answer to all questions
Jah-ah-suh-vinder… (he runs out into the street)
Jaswinder, Jaswinder my sweet beloved love
My apsara sent from above (he raises his arms to Heaven, then laughs)
I know
I love
Jah-ah-suh-vinder!
(he laughs, walking forward, then falls down an open manhole, yelling loudly. The curtain closes)
(lights on. Gurbaksh wakes up on the top deck of a ship, groaning in pain as he sits up. Squinting his eyes, he sees two doors open from the captain’s cabin in center stage in front of him. Six figures slowly approach him, murmuring ominously all at once)
Gurbaksh: (spoken straining) Oh… What am I?
Arabic Pirate: (spoken, walking over to where Gurbaksh lays and crouching next to him) If you mean ‘where’, well, you’re on board the pirate ship “Goodship“. As to whom you are, your wallet says you are…
(he takes out a state ID from Gurbaksh‘s wallet, which he mysteriously has)
Arabic Pirate: “Gurbaksh Singh Bahadur“. A Sikh, eh? Lovely religion! You are 24--almost 25. (brightly) Very good, you’re about Fabio and Ferruccio‘s age, here.
(two blond, modely-looking pirates wave at Gurbaksh)
Arabic Pirate: I, by the way, am Faysal Rahman ibn Kayhan ibn Faheem ibn Halim al-’Ubeydallah, Faysal, in short. Welcome aboard our ship, Mr. Bahadur.
(the man gives the wallet back to Gurbaksh.)
Gurbaksh: (sighs, closes his eyes tightly) Wha… what? Pirates… (he starts panicking, though woozily) Pirates? Oh, please… don’t kill me. (He tries to get up, but wobbles and falls back down)
Model Pirate #1: (spoken, trying to push Gurbaksh to the ground again) ‘Ey, a-relax, we ain’t a-gonna hurt you.
Model Pirate #2: (spoken, stepping next to his obvious twin, Model 1) Yeah, take it from a-me, Fabio Paolino. I ain’t been killed one day of a-my life on here, not that-a I know of.
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Then what do you want from me? (he clutches his head dizzily. A scruffy pirate with bifocal glasses and a sun-bleached beard places a pillow under Gurbaksh’s head.)
Pillow Pirate: (spoken with an Australian accent, calmly fluffing the pillow) You fell on our ship and hit your coconut on the mast, mate. Now cool off, we aren’t those kinds of pirates.
Gurbaksh: (spoken, deliriously rude) Oh, yeah, what kind of pirates are you, then?
(the pirates all clap their hands rhythmically, a chef with a long beard starts playing a lively accordion on stage left)
Gurbaksh: (spoken, covering his eyes with the pillow) Great, singing pirates…
Pirates: (sung) Yo, ho, ho!
Yo, ho, ho!
The pirates of the Good Ship Goodship
We do not steal
It’s the earth we heal (a little boy holds up a piece of paper with French francs printed on it)
We recycle what we clip (the boy puts the paper in a box marked crudely “paper”)
(the boy dances with the box over his head, doing a jig, the others do the Hora around him, their arms conjoined and the legs kicking high. The group disperses and forms two lines along the sides of the ship, holding out their hands to the captain’s cabin)
Yo, ho, ho! (clap)
Yo, ho, ho!
The pirates of the Good Ship Goodship
Clap both your hands (the doors open)
For our number one man (a man with a large hat obscuring his face steps out of the doors)
Our Captain, Fred the Stick-Dip! (they all applaud as the captain walks to stop in front of Gurbaksh’s head)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Uh… Don’t you mean “dip-stick“?
Captain: (spoken, lightly kicking Gurbaksh‘s shoulder as he takes his hat off) Arrh!
Gurbaksh: (spoken, taking the pillow from his eyes) Okay…
Captain: (bouncing from one foot to the other to the beat) When I was just a lad of ten
Not but eight small years ago
Me dad bumped off, I earned his den
Now I man the ship, yo ho!
(the captain jigs away to the left, the Arabian pirate walks to center stage)
Pirates: Yo, ho, ho! (clap)
Yo, ho, ho!
We’re bonny pirates who save the land
From Germany
To Araby
That‘s where we found Faysal Of Sand!
(they do the Hora in one lap, Faysal, the Arabian pirate steps from the circle)
Faysal: Sailing the desert sands of home
I looted all who crossed me
Now I help these lads that roam
Sailing across the trash sea
Pirates: Yo, ho, ho! (clap)
Yo, ho, ho!
The pirates of this Goodship boat
Way Down Under
We were blessed, by thunder
To find Frank, how we could gloat!
(The Australian pirate steps from circle, trying to dance in a flourish, trips, and backs off)
Franklin: (reluctantly) Hi… I’m Franklin.
I’m a former mailman
(gaining confidence) And now I’m on the Good Ship Goodship, yo, ho!
Pirates: Yo, ho, ho! (clap)
Yo, ho, ho!
We’re Jewish, Christian, and Muslim, too!
From Vatican
These two boys can (they point to the model pirates on their ropes)
Join our quest to clean the poo
(the two modely pirates jump from their ropes to the deck with a “hup!”, their arms and legs spread apart)
Fabio + Ferruccio: ‘Ey! We’re-a the Paolino bros
Mod’ling used to help cash flow (they hold out wads of dollar bills)
We a-mess up a-the rhyme scheme (they put them back in their pockets, stopping to think)
(spoken) Help us out, our pirate team!
Pirates: (stallingly) …Yo, ho, ho! (clap)
Yo, ho, ho!
Why’d we hire those two galoots?
In Southern France
Where there’s romance
We got our Jewish cook, to boot!
(the chef puts down his accordion to run to center stage)
François: Bon jour, François the ship chef here! (he tips his hat to reveal a yarmulke beneath it)
Like Wendy’s, I reuse meat
Ah, but don’t worry, have no fear
I got Wendy’s health score beat!
(François picks up his accordion again, playing a sweeping tune. The pirates dance around in a uniform circle, before stopping to face the audience)
Pirates: Yo, ho, ho! (clap)
We got folks of years short and long!
In Nantucket
We found this nugget
In young Fbill, sing along!
(the boy from before steps forward, taking off his sailor cap and holding it nervously. The pirates stop dancing to stare until Fbill looks confident and puts his hat back on to sing in a soulful voice)
Fbill: I didn’t finish my home-school
I wanted to save the earth
And I grew tired of all the rules
So I’m here, fresh from birth! (he stands with arms akimbo)
(the pirates suddenly become serious and their tune changes to a more somber one)
Pirates: (hushed) Yo, ho, ho! (they stomp their left feet)
Yo, ho, ho!
There’s one more guy to introduce
His pink turban
Says he’s urban
Or so we have come to deduce!
We do not know where he is from
He’s sick and weak
So if he’d speak
We would know and not feel so dumb
(Franklin, the pillow pirate, perches up the pillow so Gurbaksh’s head is supported)
Gurbaksh: (weakly) My name’s Gurbaksh, from Washington
Where am I, I do not know?
Like Dorothy when her house was spun
I fell into this Oz-like zone
(the pirates laugh and Gurbaksh puts the pillow back over his face. The pirates clap rhythmically)
Pirates: Yo, ho, ho! (clap)
Yo, ho, ho!
Welcome aboard, pirate Fritz!
From Washington
Came this great fun!
Hip-hip huzzah for Turban Fritz!
Hip-hip huzzah for Turban Fritz!
Ahoy!
(fanfare, the pirates leave Gurbaksh alone on deck, save for Faysal, the Arabian pirate)
Gurbaksh: (sitting up and looking around at the empty set, then at Faysal) …Fritz?
(off-stage, François plays another ominous tune on the accordion. Faysal takes Gurbaksh by the arms and gently lifts him on his feet to crook Gurbaksh‘s left arm over his right shoulder, walking him to the bench in front on the captain‘s cabin, sitting down with Gurbaksh)
Faysal: (he lays Gurbaksh down on the bench and stands up to face the audience)
Oh, eye! Oh, night! Did I see one night a terrible sight!
Oh, jewel-like eye called moon! (he looks over at the bright full moon to his left)
Garbageman’s submarine shot up from the sea
And took our Fritz to nullity
Oh, night, oh moon… (he sits next to Gurbaksh’s feet and sits in a meditative stance)
(tapping his forehead with his right hand, raising it to the sky) Praise to God, alhamdulillah
That Fritz was granted a speedy death
(lowering his hand, with a harsher tone) But, if He so wills, yes, mashallah
I shall the demon’s life bequeath (squeezes his fists shut)
Gurbaksh: (spoken, drowsily sitting up) The garbage man? The guy that picks up the crap I throw out every Sunday?
Faysal: (spoken, pushing Gurbaksh down again) He is not the same garbage man you know. He does not deserve to be counted among such Samaritans. He is the Devil’s dogsbody, a demon among God’s children. Hush, you need to sleep. At this moment, they are discussing what shall become of you. Now, who the garbage man is, I will tell you. (he walks over to the side of the ship)
(sung) The garbage man…
(leaning his back against the ship railing) The garbage maaaan…
The Garbageman is pure evil (he takes out a lighter)
He burns up all that he can steal (…and ignites it)
(he closes the lighter) Heaven forbid that we are caught
(he runs a finger across his throat, turning around to Gurbaksh) For he will surely cut your throat
He cares not to collect your waste
He’d rather have our lives erased
Say your prayers, or it’s too late (he clasps his hand in pleading)
For you shall share Yunus’ fate (he extends a hand to the sea)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) So… What happened to the former Fritz?
(Faysal walks to center stage, his eyes clamped shut in a painful memory)
Faysal: Oh, eye! Oh, night! Did I see one night a terrible sight!
Oh, jewel-like eye called moon!
Garbageman’s submarine shot up from the sea
And took our Fritz to nullity
Oh, night… (sitting on the floor, despondent) oh moon… (he tightens his taqiyah cap on his head)
Poor, dear Fritz… (he stands up)
Poor, poooor Fritz…
Poor Fritz was swallowed by his sub
Down into its evil hub
We never saw poor Fritz again
And I had lost my dearest friend
(Faysal shakes his head and stops to think. Quickly, he comes up with an idea)
(spoken) You are a Sikh, yes? And Sikhs carry swords by their sides to show they are… warriors of your God, yes?
Gurbaksh: (spoken, lifting his head up a little) Well, yes, some of us do, but I--
Faysal: (taking Gurbaksh’s hand after he runs over t0 him) Shokran jazeelan, Gurbaksh! You have just given me hope, at last. Allah be praised! Thank you! (he kisses Gurbaksh’s hand)
(sung, walking to left stage)
Gurbaksh, new-Fritz, please help us now
To make this hungry tyrant bow
Help avenge dear Fritz’s death
Now, you are Fritz, your name takes breath
Oh, Fritz… (he turns to Gurbaksh)
(pointing to Gurbaksh, walking towards him) You are Fritz…
Avenge Fritz…
Gurbaksh: (spoken, putting his pillow over his eyes) I can’t, that‘s murd--
Faysal: (through his teeth, throwing the pillow overboard) Avenge Fritz…
(he takes Gurbaksh’s hand again)
For Fritz was swallowed by his sub
Down into its evil hub
We never saw poor Fritz again
And I had lost my dearest friend
Oh, night…
Oh, moon…
Oh, night…
Oh, moon…
Oh, Fritz…
You are Fritz…
Avenge Fritz…
(getting up and backing away into the shadows of the Captain’s cabin) Avenge Fritz…
(Faysal puts a finger to his lips and opens the door from behind him, stepping in when it opens, and closing the door to leave Gurbaksh alone again to sit up and look around)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) …What happened just now? (pause) Ah, well… (lays down)
(there is a great ruckus, and the audience sees the Captain and Faysal coming from the captain’s quarters. The crew begins running to their posts)
Fred: (spoken) Step smartly! Raise anchor abaft the stern! Lieutenant Franklin! Haul your weight! Lively, lively! Let’s get that anchor up!
(the crew surrounds the capstan on the larboard side of the ship, pushing it in a circle. Fred begins humming “Black Lilius vs. Goodship” as he walks around the deck, supervising them. He takes a collapsible cane from his coat pocket.)
Fred: (observing the slow of the capstan line) Hey, fellas! You’re looking a bit shabby. C’mon, you guys have ship-work in your blood; let it run freely in your veins!
Faysal: (spoken, stopping his turning of the navigational wheel) You are the only one with “ship-work” in your lineage, sir. The rest of us are the sons of preachers, mailmen, businessmen, and scholars. Perhaps the compost has finally gone to your head, as it has with the Garbageman--
Fred: (not listening) Today would be the anniversary of my Pop’s death… I remember it clearly, like it was yesterday, but it was… 2,920 days ago, to this day. Yes, 2,920. I keep count, you know.
(He extends the cane to beat on the deck with it in a slow thud)
Fred: (sung) When was the earth a swirling sea
Of magmatic, pulsing stone
And the hellish wind blown
On one free man alone
My old man set on a traveler’s spree
Pirates: Your dad went on a traveler’s spree!
Fred: (spoken, admonishing them) Heave, you lot! Push the capstan as you’d push a turd!
(sung) Tracking ten sulf’ric privateers
Through the cracked Gibraltar Strait
Not a deck-boy or a mate
Shared my dad’s solemn fate
To sink the Black Lilius in her tears
Pirates: To sink the Lilius in her tears!
Fred: Aye- the eyes of the Goodship shone
On the glaring figurehead
A bandit clutched fruit, rotten-dead
Nose touching the briny bed
Pointing out in the Sludge Sea’s moan
Pirates: Pointing in the Sludge Sea’s moan!
(spoken, taking off his hat and helping them move the capstan for one rotation) Heave, you Nilla Wafers! Push as your mothers did to get you out of the house! C’mon, Fritz, join in the work!
Gurbaksh: (slightly slurred, laughing lightly) Oh, I don’t think I can. I still don’t--
Fred: (sung, walking from the capstan) Join in my friends to tell this tale
Pirates: How your dad made hist’ry
How his victory’s been
Chasing aft England’s turn-coats ten
Raising the flag of the felled Jen
Fred: How he did’s no myst’ry
He tailed the Lilius in stride
Circling the earth twelve times
The Goodship’s speed slowing lava’s climb
Until she ported on a dime
By Black Lilius’ starboard side
Pirates: By Lilius’ starboard side!
Fred: His port bow rising and falling
With the Sludge Sea’s urge
At the quickness of a horse-head’s surge
Of the privateers the sea was purged
At Poseidon’s war-cry calling
Pirates: At Poseidon’s calling!
Fred: Lilius hurled her floor from the foam
And shot cannon fire out
My dad, stalemated, pulled a shout
The Goodship boat stalled and whorled about
Lilius tottered to Davey’s home
(spoken) And… there she drifted back to port, near-belly-up, only a sheet to guide her to Maryland’s docks. Gone went my dad, three days past, and up went the new Goodship’s Roger-smile. Frederick Schwartzenfeld Junior the captain and commander… forever.
(the anchor thuds against the side of the boat.)
Fred: (spoken, patting Franklin on the shoulder) G’job, boys, ya raised the anchor!
(they celebrate with a dance. In the midst of their celebration, though, Fbill stands still and sniffs the air)
Fabio: (crouching to Fbill’s eye level) Wassamatta, little a-trash boy? Gotta runny nose, eh?
Fbill: (solemnly) I smell trouble.
(a poof of smoke arrives on the ship deck (middle stage), and it clears to show the Garbageman, standing cockily with a large garbage bag thrown over his shoulder. The crew huddles together near the mast.)
The Garbageman: (slyly, smiling at the pirates, and tipping his cap) Hello, fellas.
(sung) Do you smell that smoke, boys?
(he takes out a rope from the bag, and ties it to the mast)
(running around the pirates with the other end of the rope) Do you smell the smoke that’s rising?
It‘s me, Old G, ain’t this surprising?
(he pulls hard and the pirates all are pushed around the mast)
Don’t you smell that smoke, boys?
It’s your lives burning in the sky
Like mine did (runs one lap around the mass)
All those years ago (another)
Wanna know WHY? (and another, then stops to tie the two ends of the rope together)
(spoken) Well, if you insist…
(he sighs, brushing off the left lapel of his jacket)
I once was a fine and polished lad
Gone off to Harvard school
One day, my dad’s fortunes was stoled away (he throws his hat to the ground)
And we was working for peanuts like (digging his heel into the hat) fools!
I hate the world because I stink
So, here, boys, tell me what ya think
When people don’t clean out their pools!
(dumps rotten leaves and trash on the pirate’s heads)
Do you smell that stink, boys? (he waves his hand in front of his nose)
Do you smell the stink that’s rising?
It‘s me, Old G, ain’t this surprising?
Don’t you smell that smoke, boys?
Don’t you see that smoke?
(spoken, dropping his bag) Dance, Baggy! Dance!
(the trash bag sprouts legs and dances begrudgingly)
Okay, that’s enough…
(kicks Baggy out of the way to stage right)
(he straightens up and crosses his arms behind his back)
(spoken in a mock woman’s voice)
“Little Keithy Bailey
Caught a cold one June
Now he sneezes daily
When he sees a spoon”
(spoken, as if into a microphone) Ooooh, take it away, Baggy!
Baggy: (screaming) Help me, someone!
(Garbageman, indignant, picks up Baggy and throws him off wherever the actor may please (offstage), he then walks over to the mast and flicks Franklin’s nose)
The Garbageman: (waving the remaining smoke to the pirate’s direction, walking in a crab-like fashion across the outer-stage line)
Do you smell that smoke, boys?
Do you smell the smoke that’s rising?
It‘s me, Old G, ain’t this surprising?
Don’t you smell that smoke, boys?
Don’t you see that smoke?
Every piece of crap
Didn’t make me snap
But, boy, did the pee!
Oh, don’t you smell those poisoned fumes?
Don’t it smell so sweet?
I’m sending you all to your dooms
It’s the last time that we’ll meet
(long inhale)
(spoken) Ah! I love the smell of compost in the evening….
(Faysal suddenly jumps up from his bonds, holding out Gurbaksh’s knife, which he used to cut himself free, in the Garbageman’s direction)
The Garbageman: (spoken) Uh-oh!
(he runs to the left side of the boat (back stage), stopping before he finds the edge (a mattress is situated behind the set). He turns back to the pirates)
The Garbageman: (spoken) See ya later, fellas! I’ll catch up with you when I can. (he suddenly remembers something) Oh, yeah… (he throws one last smoke bomb down)
(he jumps off the side of the ship, a prerecorded splash is heard. Faysal turns to his comrades, scratching the back of his neck as he ponders what just happened, the lights dim)
Fbill: (spoken, frightened) Captain, I want my mom!
Franklin: (spoken, standing up from the loosened bonds with the others) Buck up, Willie, this will all end soon.
Faysal: (spoken) We all miss people, Fbill. We may very well never see them again, though, if this madness does not end.
(Fbill begins to cry)
Fabio: (spoken) Do not-a cry, Guilliamino.
Fbill: (yelling) Don’t tell me not to cry! I can cry if I want!
Gurbaksh: (taking Fbill’s shoulders) What business do you have taking a kid onboard, anyway?
Faysal: (calmly but sternly) Do not patronize the captain’s decisions, Mr. Bahadur, or I will throw you from this ship.
(Gurbaksh considers talking back, but decides against it and instead tugs on his beard)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) By my beard, I’ll heed your warning. But I still won’t agree.
Fred: (spoken) Then we’ll agree to disagree. To your quarters, all. Gurbaksh, you are bunking with Faysal.
(the crew walks off-stage, sans Gurbaksh and Faysal)
Gurbaksh: (fearful) You would really throw me off the ship?
Faysal: (spoken, nodding) With a lifesaver, of course. We are not far from Clog Town, so you would not have to float for long. Temporary marooning, if you will. Think of it as a “if you don’t stop, you are getting out of this car and walking” situation.
Gurbaksh: (still meek) Oh.
Faysal: (raising a brow) Just hold your tongue until we can drop you off at the town.
(there is silence. Gurbaksh whistles a small tune, and then interrupts himself to turn to Faysal)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) You, uh, said “we all have family”… Do you?
Faysal: (spoken) Two other crew members have wives and children. Franklin is divorced, with a daughter back in his country. Francois has a very lovely wife and a little son. I have a wife of ten years, and three children.
Gurbaksh: (spoken, laughing) Your wife is ten-years-old? Sugar daddy!
Faysal: (serious) You know what I implied. Perhaps now is not the best occasion to jest with me.
Gurbaksh: (remorseful) Yeah… Sorry. (clears his throat) I’ve got a girlfriend back home--well, “up” home, rather. She--
Faysal: (spoken, interrupting) Should I show you to our quarters?
Gurbaksh: (spoken) No, I’ll find my way. Thank you.
(Faysal quietly leaves, the scenery moves behind Gurbaksh, implying that we followed him below-deck. Gurbaksh stands in the middle of the crew‘s quarters. Every other crew member walks, feigning serious discussion. A light shines on Gurbaksh, and he takes a breath before singing)
Gurbaksh: In this fire and enmity
I sense a sudden entity
Possessing me and causing me to… shake
Longing for a clear way outside
Of this dark place that makes us hide
And only for our unsure safety’s… sake
(the crew gathers around to hum along)
But the sludge sea stirs
The sludge sea stirs
Like a mother singing her sick child to sleep
The sludge sea stirs
And it stirs
With the tears of a mother as she weeps
(the crew slowly waltzes around the stage, coupling and turning in their own circle)
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to… see
My family smiling back at me
And to have her by my side tonight
As a tiger hunts down its prey
A demon tracked us down today
Leaving us with a naked sense of… fright
But the sludge sea stirs
The sludge sea stirs
As a father holds you in his arms to pray
The black sea stirs
Softly stirs
As a woman pleads her lover to stay
(he stops singing to hold out a hand to the imagined Jaswinder)
Softly the jade green gull… sings
As the sea most swiftly brings
A wave of mist onto her burning nest
She fans the mist with her wings
Trying to protect her things
Safe now, she can finally… rest
She rests, knowing she is home
No longer can her tired wings roam
Free from the fire and the fear
Free from her mournful mother-tears
But the sludge sea stirs
The sludge sea stirs
As a sister dances with you in the rain
The rank sea stirs
Loudly stirs
As a baby with a cough cries with pain
To know a mother’s warm em-…brace
To feel the warmth of your wife’s face
Not to see your father cry
Knowing your friends are standing by
As a body needs water and bread
Man needs some comfort in his… head
To know he is free of past sins and strife
Knowing he is free to live
With all the love that life can give
Slowly walking on through his… life
But the sludge sea stirs
The sludge sea stirs
As a friend walks you through your troubles
The sludge sea stirs
Sadly stirs
You search on, sifting through the bubbles
Walk not with a fist held up high
But with one’s palm raised to the sky
Thanking the clear sky for its kindness
Be thankful for the glowing sun
It grows the food for everyone
So be glad not to be cursed with blindness
Oh, the sea stirs
The sludge sea stirs
As we walk through life looking for fear
The sludge sea stirs
Ghostly stirs
Walk on until the water’s clear
Walk on until the water’s clear
Walk until the sludge sea clears
(the crew gets into their beds, Gurbaksh blows out the lamp on the floor. Dim lights. Next scene.)
(lights on, Ferruccio, Francois, and Fabio are standing on-board, swabbing the poop-deck, Gurbaksh sewing a patch in a sail on his usual bench. Ferruccio looks over at his twin and makes a “psst” noise, making a beckoning motion with his hand. Fabio walks to were Ferruccio stands in stage left, Francois standing in toe. Fabio and Ferruccio look intruded upon at Francois, but then turn back to each other, cue lively music)
Ferruccio: (to Fabio) Have a-you heard?
Francois: (excited) Heard what?
(The two Italians look at the lanky Frenchman, pauses a moment, and then speak to him)
Fabio: We a-heard from Arabo that Indiano--
(Gurbaksh enters center-stage from the captain’s quarters)
Fabio: (walking to stage left, hands over his eyes) Oh, mia!
Ferruccio: (walking to stage right, hands in the air) Oh, caro!
Francois: What on earth is going on?
(the trio huddles and mutters, Gurbaksh is intrigued, Fabio pops out his head from the huddle)
Fabio: Nothing!
Ferruccio: (turning to Gurbaksh) You’re a-going to die!
Gurbaksh: (relieved) Oh… (realizes what was said) Wait, what?!
Fabio: (sliding over t0 Gurbaksh’s side) You didn’t a-know?
Ferruccio: (also sliding over to Gurbaksh’s side) You didn’t a-hear?
Francois: (very confused) What’s going on?
Gurbaksh: That’s what I’d like to know…
Fabio: (putting his hand on Gurbaksh’s shoulder) Well-a, you see, there was-a this guy…
Ferruccio: (dropping his mop) Who knew-a this man…
Fabio: Who was-a the brother--
Ferruccio: Of my uncle’s wife’s lawyer--
Fabio: Turned lover, turned friend--
Ferruccio: Who-was-a-more-than
Fabio: Who a-said that-a you were gonna die
Gurbaksh: (jumping back from the twins) I’m what?!
(beat, song begins)
Both Twins: In-a the deep of the night…
Our Faysal had a fright
And he-a woke up all in a sweat
If it makes you feel better
Here, have-a some feta (Ferruccio places a block of cheese in Gurbaksh’s hand)
But, just-a don’t-a you fret (Fabio slaps Gurbaksh’s shoulder and the twins walk in front of him)
Gurbaksh: (squeaky spoken voice) Why?
(the lights flip off, the twins turn on flashlights that were strapped to their pants, placing them under their chins to illuminate their faces as they stand shoulder to shoulder front stage.)
Both Twins: The vision came with a waking dream
Which was-a as cryptic as it seems
He-a woke up and shouted
O Maria, he shouted
Giuseppe, he shouted
And shook a-the ship’s-a great beams
(lights on, the twins throw away their flashlights)
Fabio: (imitating Faysal’s singing voice, placing his arm over his eyes)
“Oh, zebi-ze-blah-blah, what a dream!”
Faysal esclaimed with a scream
“The water, it rises along with the fire!”
Ferruccio: (pushing Fabio away, energetically sung) “Like a fountain inside of a pyre!”
Fabio: (spoken, indignant) A pyre? Imbrogliate!
No, una torcia!
(smack the side of Ferruccio’s head) To who do attention you pay?
(turns to Gurbaksh) Never a-mind, they gonna scorch ya!
Both Twins: (sung) Hey, there, don’t a-you frown
Just-a you breathe and-a sit down
You ain’t dyin’ right now, so why worry?
Just give-a yourself a nice pedicure
Sit, life is in-a no hurry
(Ferruccio takes Gurbaksh by the shoulders and looks him in the eyes)
Ferruccio: Arabo say you a-drown
In a-the lake of a-oil
Ferruccio: (shoving Fabio away) O, dispiacere!
Fabio: (stepping on Ferruccio’s foot) O, addolorantesi!
Ferruccio: (imitating Faysal’s singing voice) “All hummus! Such a punishment to earn!
Warn-a Gurbaksh he will a-drown
While the rest o’ us will a-burn!”
(screams)
Fabio: (sung operatically) “Beware, Iblis set a-the rigs a-on fire!
All hummus, all hummus…
Beware of what-a the light may inspire!”
Gurbaksh: (spoken) What does that mean?
(the twins shrug and march to front stage, Gurbaksh runs off to stage left)
Both Twins: Arabo exclaimed
All the while as he claimed
You will a-die by the Garbageman’s hand
Now, just a-beware
And comb out a-your hair
“Fate will come to our band”
(Ferruccio holds out the last note for a whole minute before Fabio smacks him on the back)
Francois: (spoken) Is my hair really that bad?
Both Twins: (spoken, looking over to Francois) Che?
(they look over where Gurbaksh was standing)
Ferruccio: E, uno stregone!
(looks around and even looks inside the captain’s cabin)
Ferruccio: Where a-you go, Folto Barba?
Fabio: Eh…
Ferruccio: He a-chicken out.
(Captain Fred comes out of his quarters)
Fred: Did you fellows need something? I saw you enter my quarters briefly.
Francois: They were looking for Fritz, monsieur.
Ferruccio: He’s-a fine. He probably went-a to go get-a seasick again.
(There is an explosion off-stage. Captain Fred stands at attention)
Fred: (waving his hat around) Holy horses of Houston and Harvard! What in the name of antidisestablishmentarianism was that?
Fabio: An explosion-a, sir. The sea might have-a let-a one go.
Fred: Let what go?
Ferruccio: (pushing Fred to the floor) Duck-a!
Fred: Why’s there a duck on my flab-dabbin‘ ship?!
(something flies in and impacts with the set, causing smoke to rise up)
Fred: (running around, stomping on the floorboards) All rise, men! Beat to quarters! Beat to quarters! Ready yourselves, the scourge of the Sludgy Sea’s blown apart our starboard bow, and that sea devil won’t take this ship while we‘re alive! All rise!
(Faysal runs onto the set to stand by the captain)
Fred: (said very fast) What’re you doing, ‘Ubeydallah! Get to your post! Don’t just stand there, we’ve taken three hits! Get us out of here! (takes a deep breath) Now!
Faysal: Aye-aye, sir! South-by-south-west shall do?
Fred: I don’t care if we veer sideways and sing a pointless tune, just haul this thing out, already!
(The Garbageman swings in on a rope, landing clumsily in front of the pirates. Gurbaksh, Fbill, and Frank run up from below-deck)
Gurbaksh: (taking a step back, knocking the others back down the stairs) HO, crap!
The Garbageman: (in a high-pitched voice) Aw, you remember me! (normal) Ain’t that peachy as pie? (pointing to Francois, Fabio, and Ferruccio) Tell ya what, Jambi, step over there with Tevye and the Olsen Twins and maybe I won’t kick your face in!
Gurbaksh: (standing straight, raising his voice) Is that your only means of defense, flinging stuff around and… and-and making things smoky? What kinda villain are you?
Garbage: (spoken, pointing at Gurbaksh) Shut up and I’ll tell you!
Gurbkash: (sitting down quickly, intimidated) Okay.
Garbageman: (spoken as he applies duct tape over all of the pirates‘ mouths) I think I’ll spin you a little story, huh? (finishes) Here goes!
(a song starts off in a friendly children’s special-type tune, The Garbageman steps up to the cornered pirates and taunts them a little bit before singing)
Garbageman: Heeeello, you stinkin’, lousy, worthless, trash-heap pirate crew
Your mothers were such idiots for raising all of you
For punishment there’s one thing you really ought to do
You…
Will…
(beat)
BU-U-U-U-U-URN!
Yes, you will burn inside the crap I’ve gathered all these years
You think I‘ve got no reason, but I just must be austere
You jerk-wads are why I lay at night, drowning in my tears
Pirates, you pirates, the pirates o’ the good ship Goodship
La-dee-dah-dee-la-dee-dah--shut UP, because I’ve had it!
Sit still, you’ll chafe the duct tape if you move your big, fat lips
(one of the pirates makes a noise)
(spoken) Yeah, your mom!
(he walks up to the group of pirates, Faysal in front)
For thirty odd years since Woodstock rained on my parade
My bummin’ ole life has been no park-time promenade
Cleanin’ up your streets, here’s the ultimatum I have made
You…
Will…
(flicks Faysal’s nose) BURN!
(lights a bag of trash, the pirates start coughing from the smoke)
(spoken) Yeah, that’s right, smolder, my pretties, smolder!
(sings) Burn, baby, burn! Pirate inferno!
Ever since I went and bumped off that lousy pirate-dad
I’ve had you boobs following me, dressed in Mel Gibson-plaid
But, am I really, in all fairness and truth, all that bad?
(long pause)
BU-U-U-U-U-URN!
Burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, BURN!
Never loved, never accepted
All my dreams were intercepted
What do I gotta be?
Until you’ll like me?
Until I can know
There’s one thing you can do
And that…
Is…
Burn!
(the pirates jump up from the rubbish and brandish their swords)
The Garbageman: (spoken) Ha-ha, there we go! Fighting back! (he pauses) Follow me to land and we’ll finish this scrap on steadier feet!
Fred: You’re on, Noddy Boffin!
The Garbageman: (jumping off-stage) My name’s Keeeeeeeeeeeith! (there’s a splash)
Faysal: You’re not really going to follow him like that, are you?
Gurbaksh: I think it’s a trap!
Fbill: Yeah, me, too!
Fred: (after a long pause) Boys… We’re heading to the Garbageman’s house. To. Your. Posts.
(the pirates head to their posts)
Fred: (spoken) Haul anchor, men! We’re navigating to Clog Town! Make due north, Faysal! We’ve got to end this thing, once and for all…
(the lights dim to black)
Fred: Hey, I rhymed!
(next scene)
(lights on. The audience sees a cutout of The Goodship shoring on a set of The Garbageman’s lair. It is a large greenish brown mass of waste and full black trash bags. In the midst of it is a small wooden hut, dilapidated with a rickety door in front. Behind all of this is a large vat of an unknown substance, nearly as tall at the stage. The Garbageman‘s ship is nowhere in sight. The pirates come from the ship as though they have just docked from the side.)
Frank: (stepping out in front of the others) All right, where’s that loony gone to?
Garbageman: (bursting from the shack) I’m right here, buddy ol’ pal!
(the pirates ready their weapons)
Garbage: (slowly) Hey, whoa, whoa, ease up… I just wanna have a chat with your captain.
Faysal: (holding out his sword) The captain does not make small-talk with madmen!
Garbageman: (pointing to the silo behind the trash bags) Fine, let’s take this up to the top of that silo, there. You and your captain, since you’re so buddy-buddy, can chat with me about all manner of things.
Faysal: No! The captain’s business is my business. I go up alone with you.
Garbage: (spoken) Fine! Jeez, you’re so dramatic…
(we hear beeping)
Francois: What is that noise?
Garbageman: What noise?
Francois: That beeping!
(Gurbaksh looks around and sees a glowing, beeping light on an oil canister)
Gurbaksh: (gasps) The oil rigs are rigged!
Pirates: Flee!
(the pirates flee, but Faysal stays behind when he sees the Garbageman remains)
Faysal: (spoke) You want to die? If you die, you’re taking me with you, you murderous wastrel!
(the beeping quickens)
Garbageman: I just want to talk to the captain! That beeping is a coincidence! I want to tell him that he know that my father died, too, in that boat crash! It was no battle, it was an accident.
Faysal: What?
(the oil rig explodes and Faysal flies off to the side. The Garbageman cries out.)
Garbageman: Holy Hannah Montana! Oh, my…
(Fred punches out the Garbageman)
Fred: (yelling) You stupid cod! You’ve killed two of my men, now! How does it feel, having blood on your hands?
Garbageman: I didn’t kill Fritz, if that’s what you think! I saved him! He was on my ship for days, recuperating from his own burns! He’s alive and well, too deformed for you people to ever accept, so I gave him a bag to place over his body, to hide his fears. Baggy is your Fritz.
Faysal: (standing up slowly) Captain, I’m fine! And I believe this man… Fritz and Baggy have the very same voice, the very same height. Show me Baggy and I shall call him Fritz.
Garbageman: (calling to the shack) Baggy, come over yonder!
(Baggy comes from the shack wary of his surroundings)
Baggy: I can leave, now?
Garbageman: Psh, yeah, go ahead.
(Baggy runs over to Captain Fred and salutes him)
Baggy: Ensign Fritz Dempsey, reporting for duty, Captain.
Fred: (smiling and saluting) Glad to have you back.
Faysal: Bag and all.
Garbageman: (nervous) You, uh… Aren’t gonna press charges for me being a general loon towards you, are you?
Fred: Maybe some day, if you’re up to it… we can go out to coffee, fatherless son to fatherless son.
Garbageman: I’ll be ready. And Captain? I forgive your father, now. He raised a good son.
Fred: Same. (turning to Gurbaksh) …Hey, Gurbaksh?
(Gurbaksh looks up)
Fred: You ready to go home? Your concussion all healed?
Gurbaksh: Yeah, I guess all that running around didn’t kill me, after all.
Fred: Let’s go take Gurbaksh home, men! Arrh!
Pirates: Arrh!
(lights dim, next scene. The lights turn on and the audience sees the same street and manhole that Gurbaksh fell down. The manhole opens and we see the pirates and Gurbaksh climb out of it onto the street)
Gurbaksh: (after he is out) Boy, good thing there are never any cops, oncoming cars, or sewer workers around when we’re here!
Fred: (standing up next to Gurbaksh) Yeah, now where do you live?
Gurbaksh: A little while away from here…
(sees Jaswinder’s house)
Gurbaksh: But I have somewhere much nearer, right now.
(next scene, the inside of Jaswinder’s house. Gurbaksh‘s parents, Jaswinder‘s parents, the pirates, and Jaswinder all stand in the middle of the living room)
Bap: Gurbaksh, where have you been for two months?! We thought you were dead! I thought you were dead! And why are you surrounded by pirate cosplayers?
Gurbaksh: Eh… it’s a long story, Bap, and I’d just rather say I’m glad to be home.
Ma: (squeezing her son) My baby boy! Oh, main taunu pyar karda!
(I love you!)
Gurbaksh: (catching his breath) Ma… Hello! I’m glad to see you!
Ma: (crying and letting him go) Ma is glad to see you, too, Guru.
Gurbaksh: I’m sorry I made fun of your coffee earlier…
Ma: Water under the bridge, my baby. And, your father, in light of your disappearance, has decided to let you marry Jaswinder. He knows he has been to hard on you. I told him, myself, “Harjit, you are too hard on Gurbaksh jan!” And he said--
Gurbaksh: Ma, Ma, thanks! Thanks. Thank you, too, Bap.
Bap: (begrudgingly smiling) Yeah, just don’t get too untraditional of a wedding. No kissing in front of me, either. Kulbir and Manjot send their blessings.
Mr. Bedi: Welcome to the family, Gurbaksh! Now, go give my daughter a great old hug.
(Gurbaksh walks over to Jaswinder)
Gurbaksh: (spoken) Behn jaan! Jaswinder, I just want to say that—(she puts an index finger up to interrupt him.)
Jaswinder:
(sung) Mmm…
Bolna nahin, dildar (say nothing, my love)
Say nothing, say nothing for love
Say only what your heart can say
I don’t need your declarations of love
I need to see that the birds, the birds can fly
Show nothing, just show me that you need my love
And I’ll place it next to my heart and deny
That your mind in the wrong place
Bolna nahin, dildar
(hugs Gurbaksh around his waist)
Na, na, na, hey-ah
Na-ho-ho-ho
Na, na, na, hey-hah
Na, ho-hey-hey-ho-ho…
Say only what you mean in love
Say none of your false tributaries
I don’t need your declarations of love
I need to know that I won’t have to parry
Touch nothing, let me feel the warmth of your love
I’ll touch your soul, my highest dignitary
And fill that hole called your heart
Bolna nahin, dildar
Na, na, na, hey-ah
Na-ho-ho-ho
Na, na, na, hey-hah
Na, ho-hey-hey-ho-ho…
(breaking from him)
Bolna nahin…
Bolna nahin…
Bolna nahin, dildar
Say nothing and I’ll bring you love
Say no praises, give no accolades
I don’t need your declarations of love
I need the answer to all my wild tirades
Want nothing when you love me and I’ll pay you back with love
Don’t walk around with your heart in a masquerade
And you’ll be the face I’ve seen in all my dreams
Bolna nahin, dildar…
Bolna nahin, dildar…
Bolna nahin, dildar
Bolna, bolna nahin, dildar
(the song ends. After a pause, Gurbaksh hugs Jaswinder tight)
Gurbaksh: Let’s tie the knot!
(the group cheers and the scene ends, lights dim. The lights come back up and we’re in the same set as “What A Drag”. Jaswinder and Gurbaksh sit in the center of the room, wearing their wedding finery. Lila, wearing a yellow evening dress, approaches the couple.)
Lila: (sour-faced and near tears) Congratulations, Gary and what’s-her-face. I hope you’re happy together. Uh… what’s that hand thing you do?
Jaswinder: What hand thing? The thing where you press your hands together to the person? “Namaste.”
Lila: Bless you.
Jaswinder: That’s what it’s called, sweetie.
Lila: Sure. (presses her hands together) Namaste.
Jaswinder: My name is Jaswinder, by the way. You can call me Jassy. Gurbaksh does, anyway. He tells me about you all the time.
Lila: He does? What does he say?
Gurbaksh: I said you’re a very good friend to me.
Lila: (disappointed, but trying to sound happy) A very good… friend. Thanks. You, too, Gurbaksh.
(Lila goes and sits down in a chair on the left side of the room. A reprise of the tune for “Lila‘s Song“ starts, only more sad-toned)
Lila: (sung, looking over at Gurbaksh and Jaswinder, who are talking together)
When I was just a kid
I didn’t know of heart
And what loving someone did
I know I have no part
(she stands up quickly)
Gurbaksh, Gurbaksh, Gary!
The name I now know cannot keep me in tow from what I feel inside
Gurbaksh, Gurbaksh, Gary!
You’re still my first crush, for I was crushed in my rush to be by your side
Gurbaksh… Gary… Gary!
The type o’ guy I can’t marry
To old for me
I’m too young for you
In the bright of night
You’re out of my sight
And I’m alone and feeling blue
(Lila pauses to scowl at Jaswinder, who waves to her)
I see with that wet match
You’re glad with your catch
Just don’t kick me out in the cold
Outside your locked front-door latch
Lila, Lila, Lila
Can my own name cause nothing but pain, among this sizzling cheese?
Lonely, teenaged Lila
Will I ever be more to this world than a bore and carefree tease?
(she sits back down, crossing her arms across her chest)
‘Cause when I was a kid…
I didn’t have a clue
What loving you undid
In my heart, ‘til I met you
Gary… Gary… Gary…
Your face makes me smile, you’re a friend all the while, I can settle if that pleases you
With all the hope I can carry
I’m your friend always, in so many ways, but my love will always be true
(sigh) Gurbaksh…
(the song ends)
Fred: (spoken obnoxiously, sitting in a chair next to Lila) Heyyyyyy, my name’s Fred! Captain Fred, on the G.S.S. Goodship. A spacious and cool-looking ship, with wicked tie-died curtains in the windows and lacquered siding. Spiffeh.
Lila: (spoken) Captain, eh? Like what, Captain Planet?
Fred: (spoken) I guess so. I got my own Planeteers for a crew… minus a monkey. Who are you?
Lila: I’m yours! (gets up from seat and takes Fred’s arm to walk with him to stage right, off-set)
(a new songs starts.)
Bap: (spoken) The bride and groom are going to sing a song, everyone!
(the guests begin to dance around the table. The actors for Gurbaksh and Jaswinder may improvise any hand movements or general movements as they so wish)
Gurbaksh:
Bastar sane jhera wattsi dena na sabab hai! (Clothing gives no chance with those folds)
Jhera tusin sang thin tuhada jan pas hai! (Those with you come from your beloved)
Bhar nere te chalha gaya tusin sang hai! (Heaviness comes and sinks with you)
My love, I don't know what to say!
Jaswinder:
Batii hai saman sutar jurmana (Words are like fine cotton)
Ujara sang jal unhan nun na (Do not ruin them with water)
Mera kapra jabdi chah bhira tann (Soon my cloth shall stretch tight)
Ekka ek puttar jan larki dhann (With a blessed son or daughter)
Jaswinder/Gurbaksh: Oye, mahiya (Oh, lover…)
Oye, mahiya (Oh, lover…)
Jind mahi bajre diyan, kaliyan! (Love of my life, the buds of spring are here!)
Jaswinder:
Thalle ek dalii jog menun, phurtila (Meet me beneath the boughs, be quick!)
Nach apan chah vikhe joti chamkila (We’ll dance in the festive light)
Uddna vichch baddali apan chah (My heart, we’ll soar through the clouds)
Pahlan piyaran nal sare sare apnun ke wah (Still loving with all our might)
Gurbaksh:
Jhera param kora wattsi auna (Those perfect, untouched folds come)
Jhera param wattsi thon tuhada jan pas hai! (Those perfect folds come from your beloved!)
Tusin mainun pharn han hai (You have captured me)
Nal pai lal chunari jett tusin koi hai! (With that red dupatta, you have won)
My love, I don't know what to say!
Jaswinder/Gurbaksh: Oye, mahiya (Oh, lover…)
Oye, mahiya (Oh, lover…)
Jind mahi bajre diyan, kaliyan! (Love of my life, the buds of spring are here!)
Jaswinder:
Je urdu jibh ka prem hai (If Urdu is the tongue of love)
Paanjaabi ih ka dil hai (Then Punjabi is its heart)
Batii vichche bolii ka admi (Words in mortal tongues)
Apan kasar bharni nahin (Cannot dub)
Gaun de prem, shuru wal akhir thin (Love’s song, from end to start)
Guests:
Nachchna! Nachchna, dance and sing!
The greatest plays end with weddings!
Gurbaksh:
Bastar sane jhera wattsi dena sabab hai! (Clothing gives you opportunity with those folds)
Jhera tusin sang thon tuhada jan pas hai! (Those with you come from your beloved)
Han, sang tusin raushni deni asman hai (Yes, the sky shines with you)
Ih sang tusin phut-phat jagg hai (The earth separates with you)
My love, I know what to say!
Gurbaksh/Jaswinder:
Oye, mahiya (Oh, lover…)
Jind mahi bajre diyan, kaliyan! (Love of my life, the buds of spring are here!)
Thon jan pas hai… (From your love (is)...)
Mera jan… (my life)
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My entire musical! A Sikh meets of a band of Pirates Who Don't Do Anything; drama ens
#1
- Love one another.
- Group: Islander
- Posts: 4,120
- Joined: 27-February 05
Posted 16 November 2009 - 09:57 PM
People living deeply have no fear of death.- Anais Nin
---
We need to be the change we wish to see in the world.- Gandhi
---
When Life does not find a singer to sing her heart she produces a philosopher to speak her mind.- Kahlil Gibran
---
The artist formerly known as Gothique_Hobbit.
---
We need to be the change we wish to see in the world.- Gandhi
---
When Life does not find a singer to sing her heart she produces a philosopher to speak her mind.- Kahlil Gibran
---
The artist formerly known as Gothique_Hobbit.
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MultiQuote
#2
- On Reduced Duty pending further notice
-
- Group: Administrator
- Posts: 10,625
- Joined: 14-January 03
Posted 20 December 2009 - 12:13 AM
I just wanted you to know your magnum has not gone unnoticed.
I'm not skilled at script reading and such, but I do dip into your musical from time to time, and try to find the voice or tune of a section. When I succeed, I rather enjoy it. Okay, I rather enjoy it regardless, but I especially enjoy it when I succeed.
I'm not skilled at script reading and such, but I do dip into your musical from time to time, and try to find the voice or tune of a section. When I succeed, I rather enjoy it. Okay, I rather enjoy it regardless, but I especially enjoy it when I succeed.
#3
- Love one another.
- Group: Islander
- Posts: 4,120
- Joined: 27-February 05
Posted 20 January 2010 - 08:59 PM
Orpheus, on Dec 19 2009, 11:13 PM, said:
I just wanted you to know your magnum has not gone unnoticed.
I'm not skilled at script reading and such, but I do dip into your musical from time to time, and try to find the voice or tune of a section. When I succeed, I rather enjoy it. Okay, I rather enjoy it regardless, but I especially enjoy it when I succeed.
I'm not skilled at script reading and such, but I do dip into your musical from time to time, and try to find the voice or tune of a section. When I succeed, I rather enjoy it. Okay, I rather enjoy it regardless, but I especially enjoy it when I succeed.
Aw, thank you.
I'm glad you're reading it at all. Do tell me if anything should be changed or if you have any ideas on how to do something different. I'm extremely unsatisfied with the ending.
People living deeply have no fear of death.- Anais Nin
---
We need to be the change we wish to see in the world.- Gandhi
---
When Life does not find a singer to sing her heart she produces a philosopher to speak her mind.- Kahlil Gibran
---
The artist formerly known as Gothique_Hobbit.
---
We need to be the change we wish to see in the world.- Gandhi
---
When Life does not find a singer to sing her heart she produces a philosopher to speak her mind.- Kahlil Gibran
---
The artist formerly known as Gothique_Hobbit.
Page 1 of 1